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Today's marriages are not the same as marriages 50 years ago. In some ways they are, of course, but what has changed is many of the dynamics between spouses: dynamics around money, power, sex, and raising a family. I notice more equanimity in marriages today, which is good news, but I also see the conflict that comes sometimes from sharing power. New opportunities create new challenges. It can often feel like a competition.

In couples therapy, this competition can reveal or trigger deep hurts and create resentments over time. Whose career gets priority? Do you have to choose between your marriage or your career? What if both are screaming for your attention?

This is why it is more important than ever to see you and your spouse as being on the same team--a team that you both want to win the game. There is a big difference between approaching a competition as a team vs. as rivals!

What I suggest is that it does not have to be a competition at all--your individual pursuits and goals can also serve the marriage as a whole, not just each of you individually. But to get to this place requires the skills of talking and listening, curiosity, compassion, and commitment to the wellbeing of your relationship. As they say, if your relationship is not thriving, neither are you. So let's take a look at how to navigate these seemingly opposing needs.

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