This year, I give you permission to do something radical. I want you to forget romance and sex for Valentine's Day. Now some of you may be sighing in relief, while others may be rolling your eyes. The rest of you may be uttering a collective "Huh?", but please hear me out.
Even in "normal" years, Valentine's Day can be fraught with pressure and unmet expectations. A silly holiday at best, it has been elevated by the marketing gods into the one day when everything has to be done perfectly, or else! And if you don't succeed, you will spend the rest of the year trying to make up for it.
But COVID has upended everything, so why not let it upend Valentine's Day?
When I suggest that you forget romance and sex, I am not suggesting that you take them off the table. I am instead suggesting that you move them to the pile of "possible outcomes", and redirect your focus to the shared vision and the values you hope to celebrate and reinforce.
Romance and sex are great, but they are best arrived at organically via an intentional setup. For example, have you ever gone on a vacation? Did you "plan" it? Most likely you did, and if you are like me, you planned it to the ninth degree. And the reason we plan vacations is so that we can relax and enjoy them! Could you imagine showing up in a city and not having a place booked to stay, or a change of clothes?
Maybe that is fun for a 19 year-old, but not for me!
We are intentional when planning a vacation because it creates the container in which we can relax and enjoy ourselves. The same goes for romance and sex. If you you want them to be available, I suggest intentionally creating a container where they can bloom.
What does this look like? The simplest version is to set aside time to be with your partner, time where distractions are kept away and devices are shut off. This does not have to be four hours--it can be 20 minutes if that is all you have. This is truly an example of quality not quantity! Then:
- focus on connecting with each other through relaxation: breathe slowly together in sync, look in each other's eyes, lay down and hold each other, or give each other a light shoulder massage
- move on to more "playful" connected activities: take a shower together, undress each other down to your underwear (or all they way), put on your favorite song and slow dance, light some candles and turn off the lights
- make up your own activity together!
From there, you can either "upshift" (a term I borrowed from
Martha Kauppi) to more erotic and/or sexual activities together, or you may also either stay where you are or downshift to a mellower connection. Let the connection guide you, and make room for where your partner is. This is
mindful connection, and
it is from this relaxed state of acceptance of what
is happening vs. what you want to happen that highly sexual feelings can arise.
Anxiety kills sex drive and arousal. The above suggestions help partners anchor in the moment where relaxation is possible and arousal is available. Trust the moment, trust your partner, trust yourself, and whatever happens will feel like a success.
So forget romance and sex for Valentine's Day, and instead be intentional about creating time and space for you and your loved one to connect. Cook dinner together, take an evening walk, or do nothing at all--together. Sexual desire and arousal happen when the brain is relaxed and able to respond to who and what is present in the moment.
By setting aside time--getting a babysitter, shutting off the phones, locking the bedroom door, booking a hotel room--you are creating a space where the organic can happen. That may be romance, it may be sex, but whatever it is, odds are it will be mutually enjoyable.
(If you want to read more about this topic, please read my essay on "scheduling sex". Click HERE.)
