They say that most couples remain in a relationship for six years after the problems start before breaking up or seeking therapy. I have had couples in my practice who have waited longer than that before coming in! When they do come in, part of my job is to assess if there is still an emotional connection--it is sad when there isn't anymore--and I often need to share this observation with them (and then let them decide what to do). The absense of emotional connection does not mean they have to split--it just lets them know realistically where they are. No matter what they decide, I work to create movement--because the only sign of failure in couples therapy is when nothing changes.

Why do people stay together when they are not happy with each other? This is perhaps harder to understand than why couples break up--but don't assume that this is because breaking up is easy. It rarely is. Other than a few clear-cut markers, it is difficult to know when to go. Staying, on the other hand, can be due to multiple factors: biological, financial, environmental, even political. Marriages and relationships are not just about "being happy" for most people, though it does seem that "relationship happiness" is becoming more important than it was in the past.

So when do you know when to go? In this article I will address this by looking at the clear-cut reasons for leaving, the less than clear-cut reasons, and when the problems instead signal that the relationship would benefit from some work. Let's get into it...

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