It's easier to love yourself and love another when things are going well, isn't it? But when times are challenging, either externally or internally, we may struggle because some or all of our negative beliefs may rise up and cause havoc. When this happens, it is helpful to strengthen the actions and values that prop us up when we feel unsteady. 

COVID-19 is not the first pandemic to affect humanity, but many of us have not had an experience like this before in our lives. How do you feel safe and sane when the things that connect us to safety and sanity are unavailable to us? How do you love when the ground underneath feels shaky? Challenging times indeed! 

In my current work with both individual and couples, I have the sacred duty of negotiating this dialogue between old, familiar ways of thinking about oneself with newer, unfamiliar identities. It is different for everyone, with some having a hard time not only with how they relate to themselves right now, but also how they relate to their friends, partners, and family. 

So what helps? Well, not just one thing, of course. And it is important to not rush into "fixing it", or being "fine" with what is going on and how it is affecting your life. The therapy room (real or virtual) is one place where you can "sit with the feelings" and not feel shamed for doing so. There can be great value in feeling our feelings at this time. But here are a few tips for getting through the pain and finding a way to love both yourself and others regardless of how things are going on the outside. 

• ACCEPTANCE: There is an old saying that "pain is inevitable; suffering is optional". My understanding of this is that there is a key difference between physical hurt and emotional pain, with suffering tied to emotional pain as the result of how we think about what happened (interestingly, the same areas of the brain are activated in both cases). In other words, if someone punches you in the face, it is going to hurt, but whether we continue to suffer depends on if we then conclude that "I have bad luck", or something of that sort. Accepting something for what it is does not mean that we have to like it or agree with it, it just means that we recognize that it is happening. When we can accept what is showing up in our outer or inner world, we are less likely to defend against caring or being cared for because we trust that we will get through it, and loving others and being loved helps! Acceptance keeps us from getting stuck emotionally--we're facing what is happening instead of resisting. Acceptance can help us love ourselves and others better because it allows vulnerability to surface, which is our feelings about what is going on. And the awareness of those feelings triggers empathy, the main ingredient of caring.
• MORE OF THE GOOD, LESS OF THE BAD: I wrote in my last newsletter that during this time bad relationships can get worse and good relationships can get better. However you can have some control over which direction your relationship goes by paying attention to what works and what doesn't. Bottom line, if it works, do more of it, and if it doesn't do less! Easier said than done, but worth the effort, as we usually put more effort into actions that yield much less (such as trying to get our partners to change!). These efforts don't have to be "grand gestures", they often work better when they are small actions taken often. Doing this strengthens safety, trust, and security in relationships, allowing partners to take greater risks with each other. Focusing on more of the good is an example of working smarter, not harder. 
• PATIENCE: What does it mean to be an adult? There are many answers, but looking at it from a developmental viewpoint you could define it as having the ability to self-regulate. Children have to learn to do this, but as adults we don't have to spin out of control every time things don't go our way. This applies to both what is happening in the world and what is happening in our relationships. Being able to self-regulate your own reactions allows you to be present for what is going on with your partner, and as I often repeat, interest is the highest form of caring. Patience has been called a virtue for good reason--because it leads to a better life. It is also one of the ways to foster Acceptance. Patience invites you to stay in the moment, and that is the best place from which to respond to what is going on with your partner (or yourself). Patience doesn't slow down the process, it just helps us notice it, and this is a time when we can notice things about each other that are missed when moving faster. Patience invites you to fall in love all over again--the key to enduring passion. It helps you to just wait--and trust the process. Rather than trying to control the outcome, trust that you have the capacity to respond to it as it happens. This is what adults do.